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hartofseeker
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Name: Joyce
Gender: Female
Interests: without God, i'm covered in filth and i am ugly...
with God... i am cleansed by Jesus' blood... and my beauty, the way God created me in the beginning, can finally be revealed.
How can I thank Him enough?!!!
realizing God's grace and being ever thankful, to praise Him for it
Expertise: used to be drawing.... gwa.... haven't done it too long lol
Message: message me
AIM:  Torijoyc
Member Since:
9/9/2005
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| What God has been asking me:
- what do you passionately care about?
- what will make your heart ache?
- who are you serving? do you remember?
- you've been focusing too much on yourself... what about My heart? Do you have My heart?
- will you commit to My heart and purposes, instead of the process?
- Why do you have more faith when you are praying along with someone else than when you are praying by yourself? you seem to subconsciously think that the prayer of another will get to Me better than yours... but through My Son you have the same privilege in prayer!
What I notice and ask myself:
- what can I contribute to the leadership group?
- is there anything different in my attitude or anything else in my serving? If yes... what is different? Is it for better or for worse?.... why?
- too focused on the process... the overly stubborn sense of duty/responsibility that is my motivation to do things.... instead of relationships... the heart
What I need more inside of me-
- Mercy
- Patience
- Care... Love
- Hope...?
hmmmmmmmmmm =/ | | |
| if you look up and see the sky that I see.... you'd see a dark, gray, and cloudy one... sounds like a slpy, dull morning? yeah... probably would be if God didn't.... (if i can make this one verb:) make His presence felt.... this morning =P
how did it start... just like every morning this summer i start with getting/eating breakfast once i walked out the door... usually finish by the time i get on the B... and then start with my morning reading: 2 articles in the chinese book I'm reading, then as much as i can in "On Democracy" by Robert Dahl... just to prep up for my major you know =x but this week i'm really behind in prepping for bapt class, alpha, and bible study... so i decided to do that instead after the chinese bk (i have like 6 articles left, wanna finish it already >.<) but... ehhhhh after i finished the chinese my heart felt funny... i wanted to continue it? no... not really the content of the bk... but my heart was... itching... for something.... it yearned and rolled around asking to be fed... confused i ignored it for a bit and thought, maybe it's because i haven't read Daily Bread for 2 months, so all the prepping i'll do next should help... and turned to Job 4-5... as i usually do, i asked God to speak to me so i can understand that really long and seemingly no-focus book... maybe God is telling my heart to perk up to what He has to say there.... finished reading it.... got a few points i might want to think and ask about for bible study.... but then my heart was still itching.... errrrr maybe i should move on to bapt class prep??? no.... it's not going to work.... ARGH what is it??!!
so i just stopped and asked... a bit impatiently i must admit ^^;; i asked... God, i don't know why my heart's so funny-feeling, i don't like it... i know it has to do with You... are You convicting me? my relationship with You hasn't been all lively and pretty lately and i know that but i'm sorta angry about that (not at You but yeah...) but my auto-response is to not think about it just yet until it hits me in the face... it feels like my heart is yearning and searching for something... something to do with You, yes, but not the knowledge-searching kind... something more specific... what is it?
then i ventured off to think about a lot of stuff in my heart lately... and struggled a lot because if i thought, and then stopped when i get to my stop like every other day, i'd just go back to my drama world and not think about it again... it was conflicting, the itching was annoying me a lot, want to figure it out, and maybe God is asking me to give this morning to Him instead, but tomorrow i don't go to work and will be busy, so i'm in a rush to finish as much drama as possible... so i tried to think really hard to figure out what was going on... i eventually came across the minute for the leadership meeting that i had yet to type and send out to ppl (sorry guys) and felt compelled to pray for some of the stuff there... (i tend to not pray very well just praying, i have to write my prayer out to concentrate, so i wrote it down on a scrap ppr... which means i was getting pretty serious compared to lazy)
just when i finished the first section of the minute, it got to my stop... i got out kinda not happy because what i was doing was in the right track, some of the itching was relieved but not completely satisfied... something more should come about but once i'm in the office it's not very likely that i'll be able to venture more into it... so i'm still deep in thought as i came out of the station...
they've been around lately, those ppl in bright orange tees for Bible Crusade (under Pastor Ock Soo Park) they caught my attention for several reasons... i see their bright colors walking out of the station... they're asian!!! (haha my fobbiness XP ) and one time their stand almost fell over on pedestrian because it was like the sail of a boat, the cloth catching wind but the bottom of the stand had no weight... and i felt bad for them because its already hard enough to come out under touchy words like "Bible" and "Crusade" at a place like Columbus Circle... so i felt bad for them and said a quick prayer to God that He'll bless them, with a sense of comradeship because i'm Christian too and had also done street evangelism before, but that's about it... i'm too not-bold to do anything more... until this morning
i noticed their tees again and the guy who wore it... a young guy, about my age... but the way he was handing the pamphlets out bothered me... it looked really dead... or more as i first interpreted as... awkward... like he didn't know if he should approach these people so he half reaches out to hand the pamphlets to ppl and shrink back as soon as he can't when he realizes that ppl weren't going to take it (i remember how i felt when i was passing pamphlets, but i'm the don't-think-too-much-just-be-the-energizer-bunny kind so i still look alive) so i thought ahhhh he's probably scared... and every additional person who doesn't take the pamphlet makes him even more afraid... the comradeship thing came up and i imagined myself giving him words of encouragement... hmmm maybe i should really do it... but by then i've passed him and about to cross the street...
i'm a very stubborn person, i hate having to turn back and then start again... that's why it's either i stop in time to do something or i just give up and keep moving... i literally stopped like some crazy person in the middle of the street 3 times wondering if i should turn back and really talk to the poor guy. i get to my work place really early usually.... 30min before the required time, so it's not like i'll be late or anything... i thought about how nice the experience would be to get to talk with a Christian that i don't know personally... but turning around and (the way it felt like to me) waste the time i already used to walk that block was just that distasteful to me... in the end... i made my decision on the plaza right in front of the doors to the building where my office was... so i walked allllll the way back (not that it was physically far but mentally, i wanted to hit myself over the head because if i had made my decision sooner, i would have wasted less walking) as i walked back i went over in my head how i can encourage him without making it too awkward (yes i mind approaching to a random young man when i'm not asking for directions because i have girl-pride issues) i get back to where he was telling myself just do it just do it just do it but then seeing....
he was off to the side reading one of those metro papers those ppl hand out at the stations.... i felt kind of stupid, cheated, and mad... is he even taking this seriously? and i was going to encourage him by thanking him for taking the time to serve God... RAWR i was very close to just walk right back to my building... but i was angry.... i don't like wasting my time after trying so hard... i must get something out of it... so i went to the staircase going to another plaza that was right next to where they stood and pretended to read the paper... scrapping plan A, drafting of Plan B if i decide to use Plan B at all.... i didn't want to sound rude or angry or anything...
plan B... in action.... so i just came up to him, offered my handshake... haha i went very straight-forwardly and asked him why he was doing this (handing out pamphlets on the street)... he gave me the mechanical??? response of "It's a ministry, to evangelize to people)... so i let him know that i'm Christian already... just wanted to give him some encouragement... we talked a bit, found out that he was from thailand... probably not too confident about speaking English judging by his accent and fluency, encouraged him to be more lively and confident... tried to get somewhere and we ended the conversation in a friendly manner, with another handshake and i told him i'd pray for them, he offered me one of the pamphlets even though i said he should leave it for someone who does need it... so i accepted it saying ok, just so you feel more confident...
i'm not sure if it made a difference or not... i looked back as i waited for the light and saw him sitting on the staircase.... resting because he was tired? (he did say he was "a little tired, but that's not important to me" when we talked) or maybe what i said didn't mean much to him? or maybe he is giving it some thought at the moment and having some re-evaluating time with God? i don't know... i could only hope for the best but boy it's one of those times that i did something out of my character (it's really not me to approach a random person on the street to talk with them)
anyway, i had a fever yesterday, minor one but my head felt like it was splitting... i don't really mind other pains a lot but i hate headaches because you can't ignore them... it's also when i give-up on thinking before i speak and i babble stupid things...
among the things i pondered about on the train....
ok i admit it... it bothers me more than my pride allows it to... apparently i'm not the only one but still...
i mean maybe it's normal? i'm going to be 20 in 2 months... but i haven't dated.... ever... haha... in a way i'm not being bitter or anything... it's not a bad thing because it's one of those you try it once and you'll want to keep trying it... relationships that occur at a young age almost always don't last, and after the first one, it's too easy to fall into the cycle of going out and then breaking up.... i'm not interested =.=
that's looking back... now looking at the current situation... urghhhh
ok i don't know... yes i'm a girl (or technically, a woman) i'm not abnormal so hormones still run through my body, i do (yearn is too strong a word for my tastes) want affection (someone to care and give me attention) and a knight in shining armor (i gag as i type this... yes i have pride issues)
but i also want to not be bothered by this... thing... i want to focus on developing myself (which i feel i'm already bad at), on the various commitments that i've made to God, areas of service, on growing to be satisfied by Him alone........
ewwww this is going against my rebellious streak, in other words... too girly >X[
sorry i don't write here often... so when i do, things get long... =x | | |
| wahhhh so it has almost been 2 months since i last wrote... which gets me to think... what exactly is this xanga for? in a way xanga reflects what kind of things I have been thinking about, how often, etc... or how i have spent my time so that i would have the time to actually come and write those things down here ^^
that pretty much hints what i've been doing lately huh?
not that i was necessarily busy with anything productive... more than half the time i'm not. most of the time i emerge for a while to do some thing and then crawl back into the lazed state of not doing anythign productive... ahhhh the word "productive" now is one that i love and hate... XD maybe i'll try something like repeat "be productive" x10 each morning once i wake up XP
hahas i finished the drama City Hall lately... i tend to have a rebellious streak where if i hear of a really popular drama series.... i'd do everything to not watch it till i don't have anything left to watch (unless i already am, having watched it as soon as it came out) and City Hall is another one of them =P i saw the synopsis and wasn't very interested laaaaa... politics+comedy+romance??? does that even make sense?? hahas well i'm glad i watched it in the end cuz it is absolutely awesome =D the scriptwriter is so witty HAHA and watching it also reminded me (ok i'm nerdy) that wow... yes, as despicable as politics can be at times when it is being selfish, it's really really really interesting to watch how it all unfolds, especially when you use the tricks against selfish people to triumph over them and actually do something good.... i wish i'm that smart ^^;;;; =P hehe.... got me kind of interested in my current major again =P (word of advice though... you may have to watch the drama twice to get it all, cuz the first time you'd probably be writing down some political vocab and looking it up to know what it means so that you'd enjoy the full flavour of this wonderful drama the second time you watch it =P)
talking about my major.. i can't emphasize how helpless i feel about it... i'm a person who is good at understanding something... not figuring it out from small hints or scheming, hence i never even bothered to learn about politics for a long long time... it seemed too malicious to me... and economics... i may get it but it can be pretty boring at times =.=
in no way am i one of those smart people (err smart and sharp... like a... fox??) >.< EQ is like one of my least confident areas (puleeeeese) so whether i can use what i learn into good use or whether i'll do well in such an area gets me nervous =P goodness sake i doubt plenty whether i can handle it in the real world even if i take some other more "ordinary" jobs =P but i keep getting attracted to this area... i wonder what God has in mind... maybe i just really need to let go and let Him guide me through... do you know what kind of guiding i mean? not like tour guide showing you some pretty scenery, but like a kind person guiding someone who's blind.... just that kind of helplessness?
maybe it's a new test... i've never felt completely helpless in school before... =x not that i'll fail all my classes or anything, i can probably still get good grades... just that i don't want my time wasted... i want to retain what i learned, actually remember it and be able to apply it all
ahhhhhhhhhh the goal/theme of my summer; be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be productive be....
you get the picture >_____< | | |
| ewwwwwwww
short story: not a good day.... pride was hit... from the same thing as last time... and it isn't fun.... duhhhhh~~~ haven't you learned to know better by now.... haven't you got it under better control now....
stop dreaming dreams that will get you into trouble
ROFLZ on a side note... i don't think not dressing right for work can mean anything worse for today... i mean i was dressed for an office-behind-the-desk job... which it was for the past few days.... but SHEESH of all days i'm dressed like THIS..... with a LONG day ahead of me.... and now this.... T-T sighs i dunno whether to laugh or cry..... it IS comical.... except when it happens to you
yes, be a friend, be one that shares both sorrows and joys WELL (funny that i did pretty well sharing sorrows)
forgive this poor person who... probably didn't do anything WRONG... just that it somehow ended up this messed up... you kinda added to it you know =.=
going a little deeper? trust.... trust Him, go to Him and ask Him to comfort you.... to turn my heart around.... then take His hand and stand back up.... AND BE A GOOD FRIEND
things that have been looking up:
- an answered prayer... (i'll update after tonight ;] )
- i just escaped a "near-death" experience while writing this... and came out relatively unscathed... O.O
[edit]
so... updates:
- we finally decided on a place to move to... yes... FINALLY lol it's closer to church and subway so it's all good.... it's a nice place though 280 more than what we're paying now.... so just hope that everything holds.... we're supposed to move in monday... but haha yeah right, me and mom have work, yin has school.... only my dad is doing most of the packing as of now... you can only get so far with one person so.... eek
hopefully we'll have time to organize everything so it's not a mess and so the house would be easier to clean =.=### weeee exciting change hahas so booya! to stalkers.... i moved and you'll have to try and find me again teehee
- i was typing this xanga yesterday and then i paused to reorganize some stuff that had been moved around, but a box of forms were wedged in too tight.... so i tried to wiggle it out.... and then.... WOOSH! the two shelf layers above it popped out and everything on those levels falls down.... i came out relatively unscathed-- i got bumped in the shoulder and left cheek with a box, but i caught it so i was ok (the dentist pulled out the wisdom teeth on my right side so no problem there whew*) my supervisors were really scared because the wood pieces that was supposed to divide the shelf layers flew like 3 feet away to the dean's door so they though i was hit.... God seriously protected me there ^^;;; because all the things that came down, the paper forms in boxes, the metal book holders, all just slid right past my face =x the shelf was a wreck though.... all the pegs were popping out so they got the security to come, take pictures, write reports, and threw out the shelf.... all the stuff that should be on it were put in boxes.... and hahas though i wasn't all that scared when it happened, thinking back on it made me realize what a clsoe shave it really was
=] the enemy was acting up but God was there to protect me =D awesome~~
so yeah.... that's it for updates =x | | |
| .......... call me stupid, call me immature, call me useless.... call me unreasonable or irrational.... but i'm just really REALLY REALLY mad.... angry
i wish.... i.... just wish i am strong enough... able enough to protect my own family, solve problems for them.... to show that i actually do.... care
i hate being condemned as cold, uncaring, selfish.... or irrational....
it scares me.... am i the monstrous thing that they are describing? no... NO i am NOT, i won't submit to it, i won't let it label me like this and condemn me to being like this the rest of my life
i do care... i do try to think rationally... i want JUSTICE (yes he left but he wasn't the first one who did it and resulted in THAT!!! that charge is just ridiculous)... but something in my heart is just really stubborn to actually do the action that shows it
gosh, i wish i AM a lawyer and take care of this... it's a stupid question but why can't i... WHY can't i be Superwoman and just shield them all from it, knock down all the enemies...
or.... God... please give me the assurance that there will be justice.... things will be ok, we won't have to borrow or receive charity but still be able to make it through... that i will know, and they will know... that i care...
yes, i haven't written in xanga for forever... and now writes a really angry post
i had good news to share before... just never had the time... so now adds another black mark (black... like as in depressing or bad) to the already black xanga of mine | | |
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